Long Time, No Post!

Has it really been this long since I posted?  

So much has happened since I wrote here last; and I honestly thought I wouldn't be posting any time soon after my toolbar disappeared on the top of my blog today. But, alas, I discovered a way around it as soon as I posted a complaint to Google. Maybe they'll give me my shortcut back anyway. 

Anywho...

Let's see what has happened since you last saw my melodic writing. Is it possible to see melody? I suppose it would be if you were looking at sheet music. Maybe you are hearing the clickety click of my keyboard. That could be melodic. Sometimes it kind of lulls me to sleep. But then again, I may just be boring myself. 

So, Amanda is in her last year of high school. The last Sectional Football game was emotional for me since it was her last time cheering. She seemed okay but I quietly cried on the way home. We went to the Open House at the only college she had as a choice and she is hoping to get into the dance squad there. "More dance, less stunts" as she puts it. The other week she got her acceptance letter and is going to be going to college at Genesee Community College.  India is going back to Fulton-Montgomery Community College in the fall. 

As for me, I decided I had a dead-end job and went back to college last fall.  I began with Medical Office Technology until I realized that almost everyone I met in my classes were in the same program; so the job market will be mobbed when we all graduate.  I switched to Computer-Aided Design & Computer Numerical Control. I'm taking prerequisites this semester so I can, hopefully, begin taking the actual classes this fall. 

On the personal level, I am madly in love!  This love is so much deeper than any love that I have ever felt in my life.  This says a lot considering I always jump in with both feet.  This wonderful man doesn't have the control and anger issues of the others, and we are very best friends; a good thing to be going into a relationship.  There will be many major life changes for me over the next year, but I'll let y'all know as they happen. 


For now, If any of you folks are someplace warm, could you PLEASE send me some warmth?  We are absolutely freezing here!!  

Matthew, in his non-stop attempt to stay ahead of the snow.

                         

I strongly believe this weather is being caused by one of the folks from our church who has a bizarre obsession with winter and brags about doing a "Snow Dance" to bring on storms.  I am seriously considering gathering a gang of people to beat him with snow shovels and car brushes. I know many people who would be more than happy to help me at this point. 

Road Trip!

It was a simple quest.

Andrew and I were going to take a relatively quick 5 1/2 hour road trip to the Capital District so we could get India from college for the summer. 

But someone had decided her van wouldn't make the 30° grade of the Driveway From Hell over the winter and parked it. Not in the barn on the hill, where it would be protected. Nooo.  I parked her in the driveway and let her sit - under 3 feet of snow - untouched.  Now we were facing the consequences. 

India's last class was on May 7th and so we were going to head out on the 8th and spend the night in Amsterdam but the van needed a front brake rebuild. So, off she went for repairs. Then I took her for inspection and she failed!! The back brakes needed a rebuild too. The mechanic who did the inspection offered to fix it for merely the cost of my first-born son. 

I took her back to the mechanic who did the front brakes. They told me it should make the trip but turned my rotors and returned her to me on the new departure date, promising to repair the back brakes when I returned from the trip. Next I went back to a different, non-shady, garage for a new inspection. 

One week and two hours late, we headed out on our great adventure. Braving Buffalo's rush hour traffic, singing happily to the stereo with my beloved Bose speakers and amazing bass - so the van vibrates as she rolls down the road.
.
.
until
.
.
She started making noises. Quiet at first. I had to roll down the window to hear it. But we kept rolling.

.
.
then
.
.
something clunked!

I pulled over and was almost instantly followed by a state trooper. He checked her out but we saw nothing wrong so he told me to drive on the shoulder slowly. He followed me as I did. Once I pulled back into traffic, he did a u-turn on the thruway and headed back to Syracuse. 

And she clunked again!

I called the number given me by the trooper and the state police sent me a flatbed.   They took my van to a shop in Mattydale and dropped us off at a hotel under the over-pass to Route 81. So much for sleep. 

The next day at around noon, they finished the rear brake rebuild (for half what I was quoted by the local mechanic).  Andrew and I headed back out on the road. Once we relaxed, we went back to singing and laughing. 

We finally got to India, where she almost knocked me off my feet when she jumped into my arms. I took India, Andrew and India's friend Samara to the mall in Rotterdam while I popped into my dear friend, Ken's office in Albany to say visit for a while.  I had lost touch with him for 30 years and it was so good to see him again!

Back to the hill they call Amsterdam and we went to meet up with Samara's family and loaded the van with India's futon and other items before heading to the hotel.

The next day we headed back home.  

Our return trip was uneventful. Aside from India driving me crazy with her kicking my seat as she tried to use it for leverage in her attempt to push past the cargo and recline her seat. 

And she kept getting text messages that interrupted the playlist on the cell phone. I could only take having my singing stopped a few times before I beat her at a rest stop. I have to say, the fear in her eyes when I threw the door open was beautiful!

In payment for all we went through to get India, we went grocery shopping a few miles from home and finished packing her in.  She was just over-joyed by the time we got home. 

But at least she was home.

The Joys of Momhood

I hab a code.

It started fiercely enough. 

Jerome gave me his cough, when I risked snuggling with him.  It is one of those gross, hacking, flemmy coughs that leaves you looking around hoping that no one heard you.  The cough prevented me from volunteering in the pre-school at church last Sunday.

Now that I've stopped coughing as much, I have worked my way to frequent sneezing fits that go on for several minutes. 

And I'm pulling Barista duty at church on Sunday.

Well, I did encourage my children to share. 

So... in that case,

Thanks, Jerome. 

A Child So Few Can Understand.

The horrific events that took place in Connecticut last week have shocked the world. The thought of someone going into a school and killing innocent children in cold blood is so much more than we can fathom.  

Just as frightening is the reaction of so many people toward the killer. So many people wishing his eternal damnation.  Being an avid internet user, I learned long ago how cruel people could get and I have chosen to ignore the hatred and anger running rampant. 

I decided to blog about this after service this morning. It began with a comment I wrote on the back of my sermon outline in response to something said. I know many of you will write hate-ridden comments back to me (and I will delete them - after all, this is a family blog). 

My comment was written in response to the statement that we should be angry and if we don't then we need to be checked to see if we have a heart.

I'll begin with my note:

Angry? Really? At whom? God? The young man who had psychological problems, possibly Asperger's Syndrome? 

Asperger's would make him unable to realize the consequences of his actions.  That boy was terribly, terribly messed up and did something horrible as a result.

Sad, devastated, shocked, scared. These are better reactions.

Jesus would see the boy's mental issues, which could not be controlled. The boy did not ask for these problems - he was born with them. Jesus would feel his hurt and grieve for him too.

Am I angry about what happened? No. How can I be? I have spent the last 18 years of my life raising a child with Asperger's Syndrome. I know about the good times and the bad.  The good times full of love and the bad times when he goes into a blind rage and only time can calm him down. But yet my love for him never waivers. I feel his pain when he snaps out of it and is full of remorse. I know that inside is a terribly sad young man who just wants to be normal.

What I feel after last week is heartbreak. Something I have sheltered myself from. After many years of abuse, I vowed never to let myself cry. In the last few days I have learned I still cry easily.

I cried when I read my daughter India's post about the children. I cry when I think of those babies who were murdered. I cry when I think of the survivors and the nightmares they will have to live with.  I cry when I think of the families left behind. I cry when I think of the first responders and the horror they witnessed. I cry when I think of all of those affected.

I cry when I think of that young man's brother - mistaken as the killer and learning of the death of his mom and his brother in such an abrupt manner.  I cry when I think of their mom and the horror she would have felt when she realized her son was too deep into his own blind rage to come out of it. 

I cry for Adam.

Adam, with the demons in his own head. Demons who would not leave no matter how badly he wanted to be normal.

Did he kill himself because he didn't want to go to prison or did he snap out of his anger first? Did he look around and realize what he had done and the horror of his actions overwhelmed him? Were his final moments filled with the same anguish that his victims felt?

Adam was 20 years old. With Asperger's Syndrome he was a much younger child himself.  A child who probably had dreams and wishes for his life that he knew would never come true because of how his mind functioned.  He was a child who may have ended his life while crying for his mom and feeling the remorse that comes after the rage.

Jesus is all things good. Full of love. He would not have been angry with Adam.  He would have known that this is not who Adam wanted to be.  I believe God wanted Adam's own hell to end and brought him Home to be with Him.   When Adam crossed over and was freed of his mental chains for the first time in his life, I believe that Jesus held him as Adam cried out in anguish.

And Jesus wept. 

Something To Be Thankful For

I got such wonderful news today. With everything that has been going wrong with my life, it's a welcome break.  

My oldest daughter.  My fellow redhead.  My Mini-Me (her 5 feet-even to my towering 5 feet 2 inches).  Winnie. Bugs.  My beautiful India Sierra will be coming home for Christmas Break.

We didn't think it would happen. Money is too tight and my cars are just not reliable enough to drive the six hours to her college home in the Albany area. Her boyfriend's mom drove across the state to pick her up and when her cell phone minutes ran out we began relying on her using the library computer to chat almost daily.  

I barely remember the sound of her voice but I will never forget the feel of her hug.  She loves to hug.  She loves to talk too - non-stop (she is a mini me after all)-  but hugging is her favourite thing to do. She would talk to Matthew for hours.  She calls him her best friend.  It isn't often that siblings love each other as much as they do.  They share a special bond, a special closeness.  

We had chatted about her, maybe, coming home for mid-winter break.  She should have a job by then so it would depend on her schedule.  I haven't seen her since she left in August.  Even with five of my children still at home, it feels like part of me is missing.   I miss her so much.

On Sunday our church's office manager was asking about her when I said India can't come home for the Holidays, there is no money.   This lovely lady said she would pray about it.  Yesterday she tried to call me but I was resting.  Today I called her back at the church office and she told me they are paying for India's bus fare. 

I don't know how to thank them enough.  I have something special to be thankful for - my little girl is coming home. 

I Love You, India.

I found this video and it just seemed to fit my mood so well right now.

Oudoe,

Ingrid

If I Hear One More Person Say "Get Your Head In The Game" I'll Scream!

Seriously. I'm glad to know they all watched "High School Musical" but did they manage to find all the flaws or did they just learn the songs?  Matthew and I used to go through and pick the movies apart - that's how we roll. 

For the second year in a row, the Clymer Pirates made it to the Division DD Title Championship.  This meant FIELD TRIP!  Yes, indeedy. We loaded up the school buses at 7:30am after 1/2 hour of practice for the girls and shuffled off to Buffalo.  The spectators and cheerleaders rode on my kids' normal bus with my kids' normal driver - who seemed amused when they took attendance and called me by my previous married name and I said out loud "I always hated that name."

Anyway, apparently we aren't as well behaved as my kids because we had to sit in the front of the bus.  That's where Norville seats the little kids and those who misbehave. I swear I was on my best behaviour.  Of course I was sitting with the cheerleaders and you never know what they will do, so I guess I understand. 

Amanda and I on the bus

Amanda has decided that she really loves Westfield.  As we passed through it, she fell in love with the older homes and the beauty of the town. Victorian houses surrounded by vineyards with a view of Lake Erie.  How could you not love it?

At one point Norville was trying to ask Coach a question but she was listening to Flo-Ri-Da and mouthing along with it.

Really, the girls had to get off the bus as soon as it stopped so they could run into the stadium. What stadium, you ask?  Why the Buffalo Bills Ralph Wilson Stadium, of course!

I admit it - I was in complete awe!!  I mean this is "The Ralph"!  I'm not a big Bills fan. I'm a Broncos fan since way back - oh, hush up! I am!  But still, this was really cool.

I came waltzing in with two pairs of socks, regular jeans over my skinny jeans, Amanda's cheer hoodie from last year under my heavy coat - with a Dutch Bros hoodie for back-up.  I had an umbrella plus a heavy fleece blanket for whatever the weather would bring us. What I lacked was my sneakers - somebody borrowed them and I could only find one on the dryer and my gloves - I only had one in my purse.  I wore my ballet flats and left the lone glove at home.

I just can't get over how awesome this place is!  I'm sure I looked like tourist, stopping to take photos, but I didn't care.

The last time I was in an stadium-type was in the much smaller HemisFair Arena in San Antonio to watch a Spurs basketball game back in 1990.  Three years before they moved to the Alamodome. 

Welcome to the 2012 High School Football Play-offs!!
Class DD Championship Game
Clymer Pirates (7-1) vs. Ellicottville/West Valley Eagles (6-2)

 The weather forecast on the screen showed the temperature to be 37 with a wind chill of 29 degrees. Yet, the girls once again insisted on wearing their skirts.  We don't want them to look fat, after all. This is where I would be shaking my head.

The girls put on brave faces despite their freezing to death as they posed for many pictures from their adoring public.

Amanda was a bit down-in-the-dumps after a major snub by her fellow cheerleaders that left their coach shocked by the other girls' behaviour and Amanda hurt by their cruelty. But you know, if you are a sweet and quiet person and you get involved with the ultimate in self-involvement then you need to learn to duck their blows and go on with your life. I am proud of my daughter.  I know she cares about others and would never hurt anyone the way they hurt her.  That makes her the better person.

Back to the pre-game warm-ups. Okay, this was a bit different.  Some people stretch or do exercises.  The girls wrapped themselves in blankets.  It's still warming up - right?

It is time - The boys were introduced and they were ready to charge the sign.  Go Pirates!  They were so excited to be able to stand mid-field.

At what point in time did the rules on the national anthem change?  Are we really supposed to put our hands on our hearts for this? All my life that was reserved for the pledge or men with hats.

More posing. If they had moved around a bit more and done a few more cheers during the first half they might have stayed warmer.  Or maybe if they had worn clothes. I was cold just looking at them.

Well, that and when Amanda would keep taking my blanket away from me. When it came time to getting warm all feelings were put aside and they used everyone's body heat. They were about to perform their fantastic half-time dance and needed to warm up a bit so they could move.  A football dad came down and told me he didn't approve and a football mom lectured Coach about letting the girls huddle for five minutes before half-time. They were allowed to huddle. After all, it's easy to complain when you are bundled from the cold.  Did I mention 29 degrees wind chill?  Poor girls...

Funny story: 

The couple sitting across the aisle from me arrived late and were friends of Coach.  As the ball was passed and the player ran for a touchdown, the man yelled "That's what I'm talking about!" I looked over at him.  The player ran the 15 yards to the endzone while the man yelled "Yah! Yah! Yah!" I turned around at the rest of the spectators (I was in the front row playing Mary Poppins with Amanda's bag for her).  The other spectators were watching the man. The player scored a touchdown and the man cheered!!  Coach walked up to the wall and said "Both schools have the same colours. Clymer is wearing white today."

Half-time dance. The girls did an amazing job!
The beginning and end are a bit shaky because I was just learning how to use Matthew's android and was looking at buttons - I never did find the zoom until the dance was over.  I think they are called smart phones to describe the intelligence of the user.

 Second half and the girls who remembered their warm-up pants put them on. Notice Amanda on the far left didn't. Dingy. Amanda did find one of my gloves in the pocket of her jacket.  hmmm... I wonder who it was that borrowed my gloves last?  And why did I end up with one?  Ariel had her hoodie for the game personalized to memorialize our beloved Superintendent Keith Reed who was murdered in September.

The girls did a lot more cheering during the second half. It might have been because some of them were better dressed. It may have been to stay warm. Or it may have been that the boys were getting their mojo back and after ending the first half at 34-0, they stopped any further touch-downs by Ellicottville and got some points themselves. Thank God, because I was tired of parents yelling "Get your head in the game!"

 Amanda noticed the same thing I did: whenever the boys did badly it was dark and overcast, when they did well the sun would pop out.  Amanda said she felt that instead of God watching us, Mr. Reed was watching. She said when the boys didn't do well Mr. Reed would cover his eyes and when the boys kicked butt Mr. Reed would uncover his eyes and watch.

Coach was given some shirts to throw to the spectators.  The crowd went wild for this.  There was a group of boys who kept cheering when the girls weren't and they managed to get a shirt to them.

Time to head home.  The score was 34-17. Clymer lost. My toes were numb.  I longed for the bus.  As we were driving down the Thruway we saw the snow clouds rolling in.  Thankfully they weren't further south at home.

Amanda was deep in thought. So many of the kids were sad.  Cheerleaders were crying.  They shouldn't be.  The Pirates made it to The Ralph TWO YEARS IN A ROW!  Plus this year they got on the board.  Ellicottville was a tough team. Clymer fought hard.  They did an amazing job.

They should be proud of themselves.

I am proud of them.

I know Mr. Reed is proud of them.

Amanda appeased me and stood on the footbridge over the Thruway on the way to Mickey D's. Really she was thinking "We have 31 minutes to get back to the bus. I'm cold. I'm starving. Now take the picture and let's go!"

This was cool.  A player piano was serenading everyone that walked into the building.  Coach called it "Creepy."

I told Amanda I would blog about this: she was dumping sugar packets into her coffee and when she got to the last packet she tore it open and dumped it into the bag of trash.  (I choked on my burger *still giggling*)

Another thing I have to point out: we had hamburgers with cheese in Hamburg (NY).  

I find that amusing. But then, I am easily amused. 

It's hard to tell in this photo but the grapevines were brown and drying up for the winter.  Winter is right around the corner.

One of the interesting things about riding in a bus for a total of four hours with three older women and a man who drives fro a living, I now know gossip about so many people. I hope I don't end up all gossipy when I finally grow up. 

Welcome home. The garage light was on at Mr. Reed's empty house as we neared Clymer.  It was as if he was welcoming us home. (His memorial in the foreground is still maintained by students and teachers alike.)

Day three of this month of gratitude

I am grateful for furry pets to snuggle with.

Oudoe,

Ingrid

One Of Us Has to Be An Adult - It Won't Be Me

India's doodling

Amanda's take on the same clipart

Service started normally enough. I was already pumped up since I was listening to classic rock on the way in. Amanda threw a fit when the Beatles came on but when I changed the station Clapton was just starting, so all was good.  We headed into church knowing it is Youth Sunday, which means the Youth Minister is in charge of all songs and everything up to the sermon. Translation: Contemporary songs!

After several very welcome non-hymns, we had to tolerate an otherwise nice member of our congregation telling us we weren't Christians if we don't vote for whom he says we must. Which led to me ranting on my bulletin and passing it off to Amanda to read.  

Then we were off...

It was mentioned that more cars were needed for Trunk or Treat. I figured since the Subaru would be there (because we were moving the van's decorations to the interior of the van to stay out of the rain and therefore people wouldn't be able to ride in the van without the seats) we could put the Subie to use. I wrote in my bulletin that we could use both cars instead of just the van. Since we already know what the van will look like, I wrote that we needed an idea for the Subie. Amanda and I then wrote ideas back and forth to each other.

We decided the Subie should be decorated as a tech booth (Matthew later pointed out that since it will be raining on Halloween, the Subie will be a "tripod" for the church's camcorder to record the events for playback during the next service - bummer!) 

We continued writing in the bulletin:

Me: Hey! My shirt and socks match!

Amanda wondered out loud about the sound coming from behind us.  

Me - writing on the bulletin: "crickets?" 

Amanda: No! A fan or something like that! 

Me - observing we are sitting in front of the tech booth: There is a fan under the counter and several towers. (Matthew later pointed out that there are 16 fans running in the booth, both inside and out of computers.) 

Amanda: *winking tongue sticker-outer face*   

Me: *smiling tongue sticker-outer face*

Amanda: drew the Vulcan sign and wrote "Live long and prosper".

Even though we were passing notes I was still listening to the sermon and noticed a reference to putting a serpent on a stick and praising him, to which I wrote:

Are we supposed to praise snakes?

Question#2: Didn't he just describe the symbol for the American Medical Association?

Question #3: Does this mean we are supposed to praise the AMA? 

That would explain the idea of being healed from poison.

Amanda: LMAO. 

Me: Then what will you sit on?

Amanda: *winking tongue sticker-outer face* 

Me: *smiling tongue sticker-outer face*

Amanda: *peace sign*

Me: Peace Man

Me - in response to something being said in the sermon about "looking": Brown Bear, Brown Bear what do you see?

Amanda: ?

Me: I see Amanda looking at me

Amanda: I ain't looking (although it looks like she wrote "I ain' Hooking")

Me: You were

Amanda: Ain't

Me: Don't say ain't or your mother will faint.

Amanda: You ain't going to faint. You ain't Mary Warren from "The Crucible".

Me: Are you sure?

Amanda: Yes

Me: You may be wrong.

Amanda: I'm right.

Me: ♫You may be right. I may be crazy. but I just may be the lunatic you're looking for♫

Amanda: *squinting tongue sticker-outer face*

Me: Your face is going to freeze like that.

Amanda: LOL

Me: Lollipop, lollipop. Oh, lolli lollipop.

Amanda: haha

Me: Hahaha, Hohoho. What a sight to see. Under my lollipop, lollipop, lollipop. Lolli lolli lollipop tree.

Amanda: I don't know you, lady.

Me: Then why do you follow me?

Amanda: *squinting tongue sticker-outer face*

Me: See, your face is stuck.

Amanda: *dead eyes toothy-smile face*

Me: Did I just kill you?

Amanda: *rolls eyes*

Me: Don't roll your eyes at me young lady!

Amanda  - writing as we stood for the last song: Wuv you mommy.

  

                             

Then to Sunday School where the pastor in some far-away land - Oklahoma(?) referred to books of the Bible as "boogers" and proceeded to tell us about how he ran down the road after a pickup truck of rednecks when they cat-called to another pastor's wife. 

 ~~~~~~~~

An observation that drives me batty each Sunday when I watch the video: that speck on the screen that reflects the light and makes a shiny spot seriously needs to be found and cleaned. I don't care if it requires an extension ladder to get to it.

~~~~~~~~

Conversation from a previous Sunday School:

Andrew: How is the van running?

Me: The wheels turn until I get here.

Andrew: How do the brakes work?

Me: They stop the van

Andrew: Did the brakes work okay?

Me: I didn't run any stop signs

Andrew: *bangs head on pew*

~~~~~~~~

Pastor in far-away land on screen: Have you ever prayed for something stupid?

Andrew: I once prayed to be a shape-shifter

Me: *chokes on coffee*

~~~~~~~~

Andrew has passed out sugar packets during Sunday School. Should I worry? 

Oudoe,

Ingrid

Are you ready to have kids? You'll know after this fun test

When I heard about this test I just had to share it. I raised six kids and I can honestly tell you that this test is not only funny but so true.  The good side is that eventually they outgrow the stage described in this test and move on to their teen years.  Having five teens (at one time), I can tell you that stage does end too. I'll get back to you on how many bottles of Tylenol it takes.

Think you're ready for motherhood? Read this hilarious blog and reconsider that

Test 1: Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy

1. Put on a mu-mu and stick a large beanbag down the front.

2. Leave it there.

3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children

1. Go to a local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.

2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Prepare for pregnancy by attaching a beanbag to your front says the blog

Test 2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. 

Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3: Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

You can kiss goodbye to precious beauty sleep as soon as you have a child

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-10lbs, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2.  At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

4. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4: Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5: Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.

2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.

4. Take a box of chocolate cookies; mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6: Going for a walk

The hilarious blog post details a new parent test for broody mothers

a. Wait.

b. Go out the front door.

c. Come back in again.

d. Go out.

e. Come back in again.

f. Go out again.

g. Walk down the front path.

h. Walk back up it.

i. Walk down it again.

j. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

k. Stop, inspect minutely and ask yourself at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.

l. Retrace your steps.

m. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.

n. Give up and go back into the house.

Test 7: Conversations with children

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8: Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.

3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Feeding your child isn't as easy as it looks according to the test

Test 9: Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10:TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.

2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11:  Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

Are you up to the challenge of parenthood asks this hilarious blog post

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?

4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.

5. Drag randomly items from one room to another room and leave them there.

Test 12: Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mommy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mommy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.

2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

Test 13:Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.

2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mommy tape listed above.

Test 14: Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.

2. Put on your finest work attire.

3. Take a cup of milk and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it

4. Stir

5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt

6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

8. Do not change (you have no time).

9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!