The Love Dare - Day Forty

Love Is a Covenant

Congratulations.  You’ve reached the end of the Love Dare – the book.  But the experience and challenge of loving your mate is something that never comes to an end.  It goes on for the rest of your life.

This book may end at Day 40.  But who says your dare has to stop?  And as you view your marriage relationship from this point on, we challenge you to consider it a covenant instead of a contract.  These two words sound similar in meaning and intent but are in reality much different.  Seeing marriage as a contract is like saying to your spouse, “I take you for me and we’ll see if this works out.”  But realizing it as a covenant changes it to say, “I give myself to you and commit to this marriage for life.”

There are many other differences between covenants and contracts.  A contract is usually a written agreement based on distrust, outlining the conditions and consequences if broken.  A covenant is a verbal commitment based on trust, assuring someone that your promise is unconditional and good for life.  It is spoken before God out of love for another.

A contract is self-serving and comes with limited liability.  It establishes a time frame for certain deliverables to be met and accomplished.  A covenant is for the benefit of others and comes with unlimited responsibility.  It has no expiration date.  It is “til death do us part.” A contract can be broken with mutual consent.  A covenant is intended to be unbreakable.

And then there’s marriage – the strongest covenant on earth between two people, the pledge of a man and woman to establish a love that is unconditional and lasts a lifetime.  In marriage, your wedding ring represents your covenant vows – not merely commitments you hoped to keep but premeditated promises, publicly spoken and witnessed by others.

As you’ve read numerous times in these pages, keeping this covenant is not something you can do in your own strength. There’s good reason why God was the One who initiated covenants with His people.  He alone is able to fulfill the demands of His own promises.  He alone is able to forgive the receivers of His covenant when they fail to uphold their part of the agreement.  But the Spirit of God is within you by the virtue of your faith in His Son and the grace bestowed upon you in salvation.  That means you now can exercise your role as covenant keeper, no matter what may arise to challenge your faithfulness to it.

Especially if your spouse is not in a place of receiving your love right now, the act of covenant keeping can grow more daunting with each passing day.  But marriage is not a contract with escape clauses and exception wordings.  Marriage is a covenant intended to cut off all avenues of retreat or withdrawal.  There’s nothing in all the world that should sever what God has joined together.  Your love is based on covenant.

Every marriage is called to be an earthly picture of God’s heavenly covenant with His church.  It is to reveal to the world the glory and beauty of God’s unconditional love for us.  Let His words inspire you to be a channel of God’s love to your spouse.

The time is now, man or woman of God, to renew your covenant of love in all sincerity and surrender.  Love is too holy a treasure to trade in for another, and too powerful a bond to be broken without dire consequences.  Fasten your love afresh on this one the Lord has given you to cherish, prize, and honor.

Your life together is before you.  Dare to take hold of it and never let go.

We dare you.

Today’s Dare

Write out a renewal of your vows and place them in your home. Perhaps if appropriate, you could make arrangements to formally renew your wedding vows before a minister and with family present.  Make it a living testament to the value of marriage in God’s eyes and the high honor of being one with your mate.

The Love Dare - Day Thirty-Nine

Love Endures

Of all the things love dares to do, this the ultimate.  Though threatened, it keeps pursuing.  Though challenged, it keeps moving forward.  Though mistreated and rejected, it refuses to give up.

Love never fails.

Many times when a marriage is in crisis, the spouse who is trying to make things work will go to the other, declaring in no uncertain terms that no matter what has happened in the past, he or she is committed to this marriage.  Their love can be counted on to last.  They promise.  But not wanting to hear this yet, the other spouse holds their position.  They still want out. They don’t see this marriage lasting long-term.  Nor do they even want it to anymore.

The partner who has just laid his or her heart on the line, extending the olive branch, can’t handle the rejection.  So they withdraw their statement.  “Fine.  If that’s the way you want it, that’s the way it’ll be.”

But if love is really love, it doesn’t waffle when it’s not received the way you want it to be.  If love can be told to quit loving, then it’s not really love.  Love that is from God is unending, unstoppable.  If the object of its affection doesn’t choose to receive it, love keeps giving anyway.

Love never fails.

Never.

When you have done everything within your power to obey God, your spouse may still forsake you and walk away.  But if your marriage fails, if your spouse walks away, let it not be because you gave up or stopped loving them.

Love never fails.

So today your dare is to put your unfailing love into the most powerful, personal words you can.  This is your chance to declare that no matter what imperfections exist – both in you and in your spouse – your love is greater still.  No matter what they’ve done or how often they’ve done it, you choose to love them anyway.  Though you’ve been far from steady in your treatment of them over the years, your days of being inconsistent in love are over.  You accept this one man or woman as God’s special gift to you, and you promise to love them until death.

You’re saying to your spouse, “Even if you don’t like what you’re reading – even if you don’t like me – I choose to love you anyway.  Forever.”

Because love never fails.

Today’s Dare

Spend time in personal prayer, then write a letter of commitment and resolve to your spouse.  Include why you are committing to this marriage until death, and that you have purposed to love them no matter what.  Leave it in a place that your mate will find it.

The Love Dare - Day Thirty-Eight

Love Fulfills Dreams

What is something your spouse would really, really love?  And how often do you ask yourself that question?

Common sense tells us we can’t give our wife or husband everything they might like.  Our budgets and account balances tell us we probably couldn’t afford it anyway.  And even if we could, it might not be good for us.  Or for them.

But perhaps you’ve let “no” become too quick a response. Perhaps you’ve let this negative default setting become too reasoned and rational, too automatic.  What if instead of dismissing the thought, you did your best to honor it.  What might happen if the one thing they said you’d never do for them became the next thing you did?

Love sometimes needs to be extravagant.  To go all out.  It sometimes needs to set aside the technicalities and just bless because it wants to.

Well, how about putting your heart in it.  How about developing a new level of love that actually wants to fulfill every dream and desire you possibly can.

Not everything your spouse wants has a hefty price tag.  Not everything he or she desires can be bought with money.  Your wife may really want your time.  She may really want your attention.  She may really want to be treated like a lady, to know that her husband considers her his greatest treasure.  She may really want to see in your eyes a love that chooses to be there no matter what.

Your husband may really want your respect.  He may really want you to acknowledge him as the head of the house in front of the children.  He may really want you to put your arms around his neck for no apparent reason, surprising him with a long kiss or a love note when there’s not even a birthday or anniversary to justify it. He may really need to know that you still think he’s strong and handsome, the way you used to.

·        Dreams and desires come in all shapes and sizes.  But love takes careful notice of each one.

·        Love calls you to listen to what your mate is saying and hoping for.

·        Love calls you to remember the things that are unique to your relationship, the pleasures and enjoyments that bring a smile to the other’s face.

·        Love calls you to give when it would be a lot more convenient to wait.

·        And love calls you to daydream about these opportunities so regularly that their desires become yours as well.

We dare you to think in terms of overwhelming your spouse with love.  To surprise them by exceeding all their expectations with your kindness.  It may or may not be a financial sacrifice, but it needs to reflect a heart that is willing to express itself with extravagance.

What is something your spouse would really, really love?  It’s time you started living out the answer to that question.

Today’s Dare

Ask yourself what your mate would want if it was obtainable. Commit this to prayer, and start mapping out a plan for meeting some (if not all) of their desires, to whatever level you possibly can.

The Love Dare - Day Thirty-Seven

Love Agrees in Prayer

If someone told you that by changing one thing about your marriage, you could guarantee with near 100 percent assurance that your life together would significantly improve, you would at least want to know what it was.  And for many godly couples, that “one thing” is the daily practice of praying together.

To someone who tends to devalue spiritual matters, this sounds fairly ridiculous.  And if told that shared prayer is a key ingredient in marital longevity and leads to a heightened sense of sexual intimacy, they would think you had really gone too far. But the unity that grows between a man and woman who regularly pray together forms an intense and powerful connection.  Within the sanctuary of your marriage, praying together can work wonders on every level of your relationship.

When you were joined together as husband and wife, God gave you a wedding gift – a permanent prayer partner for life.  When you need wisdom on a certain decision, you and your prayer partner can seek God together for the answer.  When you’re struggling with your own fears and insecurities, your prayer partner can hold your hand and intercede on your behalf.  When you and your spouse are not getting along and can’t get past a particular argument or sticking point, you can call a time out, drop your weapons, and go with your partner into emergency prayer.  It should become your automatic reflex action when you don’t know what else to do.

It’s hard to stay angry long with someone for whom you’re praying.  It’s hard not to back down when you’re hearing your mate humbly cry out to God and beg Him for mercy in the midst of your heated crisis.  In prayer, two people remember that God has made them one.  And in the grip of His uniting presence, disharmony blends into beauty.

Praying for your spouse leads your heart to care more deeply about them.  But more importantly, God is pleased when He sees you both humbling yourselves and seeking His face together.  His blessing falls on you when you agree in prayer.  It pulls you both back toward your real center.  It places you on common ground, face-to-face before the Father.  It restores harmony in the midst of contention.

But prayer is for a lot more than breaking up fights.  Prayer is a privilege to be enjoyed on a consistent, daily basis.  When you know that prayer time awaits you before going to bed, it will change the way you spend your evening.  Even if your prayers together are typically short and to the point, this will become a standing appointment that you can orbit your day around, keeping God in the middle of everything.

It’s true that beginning a habit like this can initially feel awkward and uncomfortable.  Anything this powerful will surprise you with its weight and responsibility when you actually try doing it.  But bear in mind that God wants you to engage with Him – invites you, in fact – and He will grow you as you take it seriously and push past those times when you don’t know what to say.

You’ll look back at this common thread that ran through everything from average Mondays to major decisions and be so thankful for this “one thing” that changed everything.  This is one area where it’s imperative that you agree to agree.

Today’s Dare

Ask your spouse if you can begin praying together.  Talk about the best time to do this -- whether it’s in the morning, your lunch hour, or before bedtime.  Use this time to commit your concerns, disagreements, and needs before the Lord.  Don’t forget to thank Him for His provision and blessing.  Even if your spouse refuses to do this, resolve to spend this daily time in prayer yourself.

The Love Dare - Day Thirty-Six

Love is God’s Word

For some people, the Bible seems just too big to understand.  It’s like an impossible challenge.  They don’t know where or how to begin.  But as a Christian, you’re not left alone to try grasping the major themes and deep meanings of the Bible.  The Holy Spirit, who now lives in your heart by the way of salvation, is an illuminator of truth. And because of His internal lamp, the Scriptures are now yours to read, absorb, comprehend, and live by.

But first, you’ve got to commit to do it.

Be in it.  If this is not already a habit of yours, now is the time to begin reading a portion of the Bible every day.  Ideally, read it together as husband and wife – in the morning, perhaps, or before bed. 

Stay under it.  You’re right; the Bible can be deep and challenging.  That’s why it’s so important to be part of a church where the Word is faithfully taught and preached.  By hearing it explained in sermons and Bible study classes, you’ll get a broader, more balanced view of what God is saying through His Word.  You’ll also get to join with others who are on the same journey you are, wanting to be fed by the truths of Scripture. 

Live it.  Unlike most other books, which are only designed to be read and digested, the Bible is a living book.  It lives because the Holy Spirit still resonates within its words.  It lives because, unlike the ancient writings of other religions, its Author is still alive.  And it lives because it becomes a part of who you are, how you think, and what you do.  

Jesus talked about people who build their lives on sand – their own logic, their best guesses, the latest reasoning.  When the storms of life begin to blow (which they always will), foundations of sand will only result in total disaster.  Their houses may light up and look nice for a while, but they are tragedies waiting to happen.  Ultimately they collapse.

When your home is founded on the rock of God’s unchanging Word, it is insured against destruction. That’s because God has the right plan for everything, and He’s revealed these plans in His Word.  They’re right there for anyone who will read it and apply it.

Every aspect of your life that you submit to, God’s principles will grow stronger and more long-lasting over time.  But any part you withhold from Him, choosing instead to try your own hand at it, will weaken and eventually fail when the storms of life hit you.  It may, in fact, be the one area that hastens the downfall of your home and marriage.

Wise couples build their houses on the rock of God’s Word. They’ve seen what sand can do.  They know how it feels when their footing gets soft and the foundation gives way.  That’s why must determine to build your life and marriage on the solid rock of the Bible, and then you can plan on a stronger future – no matter how bad the storms get.

Today’s Dare

Commit to reading the Bible every day.  Find a devotional book or other resource that will give you some guidance.  If your spouse is open to it, see if they will commit to daily Bible reading with you.  Begin submitting each area of your life to its guidance and start building on the rock.

The Love Dare - Day Thirty-Five

Love is Accountable

Mighty sequoia trees tower hundreds of feet in the air and can withstand intense environmental pressures.  Lightning can strike them, fierce winds can blow, and forest fires can rage around them.  But the sequoia endures, standing firm, only growing stronger through the trials.

One of the secrets to the strength of this giant tree is what goes on below the surface.  Unlike many trees, they reach out and interlock their roots with the sequoias around them.  Each becomes empowered and reinforced by the strength of each others.

The secret to the sequoia is also the key to maintaining a strong, healthy marriage.  A couple that faces problems alone is more likely to fall apart during rough times.  However, the ones who interlock their lives in a network of other strong marriages radically increase their chances of surviving the fiercest of storms.  It is crucial that a husband and wife pursue godly advice, healthy friendships, and experienced mentors.

Everyone needs wise counsel throughout life.  Wise people constantly seek it and gladly receive it.  Fools never ask for it and then ignore it when it’s given to them.

Gaining wise counsel is like having a detailed road map and a personal guide while traveling on a long, challenging journey. It can be the difference between continual success or the destruction of another marriage.  It is vital that you invite strong couples to share the wisdom they have gained through their own successes and failures.

Good marriage mentors warn you before you make a bad decision.  They encourage you when you are ready to give up. And they cheer you on as you reach new levels of intimacy in your marriage. You and your spouse need these types of friends and mentors on a consistent basis. Too often we can isolate ourselves from others.  If we are not careful, we could push away the people who love us the most.

You must guard yourself against the wrong influencers. Everyone has an opinion and some people will encourage you to act selfishly and leave your mate in order to pursue your own happiness.  Be careful about listening to advice from people who don’t have a good marriage themselves.

If your marriage is hanging by a thread or already heading for a divorce, then you need to stop everything and pursue solid counseling as quickly as possible. Call a pastor, a Bible-believing counselor, or a marriage ministry today.  As awkward as it may initially be to open up your life to a stranger, your marriage is worth every second spent and every sacrifice you will make for it.  Even if your marriage is fairly stable, you’re in no less need of honest, open mentors – people who can put wind in your sails and make your marriage even better.

How do you pick a good mentor?  You look for a person who has the kind of marriage you want.  You look for a person whose heart for Christ comes first before everything else.  You look for someone who doesn’t live by his or her opinions but by the unchanging Word of God.  And more times than not, this person will likely be delighted you asked for help.  Start praying for God to send this person into your life.  Then pick a time to meet and talk.

 This appointment is unbreakable.  And though we’re all ultimately responsible for the way we approach it, we can surely stand as much help as others can give.  It might just be the relational influence that takes your marriage from mediocre to amazing.

Today’s Dare

Find a marriage mentor – someone who is a strong Christian and who will be honest and loving with you.  If you feel that counseling is needed, then take the first step to set up an appointment.  During this process, ask God to direct your decisions and discernment.

The Love Dare - Day Thirty-Four

Love Celebrates Godliness

From the moment you close your Bible in the morning nearly everything else you’ll encounter throughout the day will be luring you away from its truths.  The opinions of your coworkers, the news coverage on television, your typical Websites, the various temptations of the day – all of these and more will be working overtime to shape your perceptions of what’s true and most desirable in life.

They’ll say a lot of things.  And they’ll say them so loudly and frequently that if we’re not careful, we can start believing that what they say is the way things should be.  We can begin valuing what everybody else values and thinking the way everybody else does.

But the meaning of “real life” changes dramatically when we understand that God’s Word is the ultimate expression of what real life is.  The teachings it contains are not just good guesses at what should matter.  They are principles that reflect the way things really are, the way God created life to be.  His ideals and instructions are the only pathways to real blessing, and when we see people following them in obedience to the Lord; it should cause us to rejoice.

You are one of the most influential people in your spouse’s life. Have you been using your influence to lead them to honor God, or to dishonor Him?

Love rejoices most in the things that please God.  When your mate is growing in Christian character, persevering in faith, seeking purity, and embracing roles of giving and service – becoming spiritually responsible in your home – the Bible says we should be celebrating it.  

That should be what energizes us when we see it happening in our mate.  More than when they save money on the grocery bill. More than when they achieve success at work.  Sometimes by accepting modern culture’s take on what to applaud in our spouse, we can even be guilty of encouraging them to sin – perhaps by feeding their vanity, or by letting boys be boys.

And what more could we want for our wife or husband than for them to experience God’s best in life?

Be happy for any success your spouse enjoys.  But save your heartiest congratulations for those times when they are honoring God with their worship and obedience.

Today’s Dare

Find a specific, recent example when your spouse demonstrated Christian character in a noticeable way.  Verbally commend them for this at some point today.

The Love Dare - Day Thirty-Three

Love Completes Each Other

God creates marriage by taking a man and a woman and uniting them as one.  This “completing” aspect of love was revealed to mankind from the beginning.  God originated the human race with male and a female – two similar but complementary designs meant to function in harmony.

Are bodies are made for each other.  Our natures and temperaments provide balance, enabling us to more effectively complete the tasks at hand.  Our oneness can produce children, and our teamwork can best raise them to health and maturity. When one is weak, the other is strong.  When one needs building up, the other is equipped to enhance and encourage. We multiply one another’s joys and divide one another’s sorrows.

Although our difference can frequently be the source of the misunderstanding and conflict, they have been created by God and can be ongoing blessings if we respect them.  One of you may be better at cooking, for instance, while the other is more thorough in cleaning the dishes.  One may be more gentle and able to keep peace among family members, while the other handles discipline more directly and effectively. One may have a good business head but needs the other to help him remember to be generous.

When we learn to accept these distinctions in our mate, we can bypass criticism and go straight to helping and appreciating one another.

But some can’t seem to get past their partners differences.  And they suffer many wasted opportunities as a result.  They don’t take advantage of the uniqueness that makes each of them more effective when including the other.

The effectiveness of your marriage is dependent upon both of you working together.  Do you have big decisions to make about your finances or retirement planning?  Are you having a real problem with a coworker who’s getting harder and harder to deal with, and you are grappling with the appropriate action to take?  Are you absolutely convinced that your educational choices for the children are right, no matter what your spouse thinks?

Don’t try doing all the analysis yourself.  Don’t disqualify his or her right to voice an opinion on matters that affect both of you. Love realizes that God has put you together on purpose.  And though you may wind up disagreeing with your spouse’s perspectives, you should still give their views respect and strong consideration.  This honors God’s design for your relationship and guards the oneness He intends.

Joined together, you are greater than your independent parts. You need each other.  You complete each other.

Today’s Dare

Recognize that your spouse is integral to your future success. Let them know today that you desire to include them in your upcoming decisions, and that you need their perspective and counsel.  If you have ignored their input in the past, admit your oversight and ask them to forgive you.

The Love Dare - Day Thirty-Two

Love Meets Sexual Needs

In Christian marriage, romance is meant to thrive and flourish. After all, it was created by God.  It’s all part of celebrating what God has given, becoming one with our mate while simultaneously pursuing purity and holiness.  He delights in us when this happens.

It’s true that sex is only one aspect of marriage.  But as time goes by, one of you will likely value its importance more highly than the other.  As a result of this, the nature of your oneness as man and wife will feel threatened and endangered.

This same oneness is a hallmark of every marriage.  In the act of romance, we join our hearts to each other an expression of love that no other form of communication can match.  We are not to share this same experience with anyone else.  But we are weak.  And when this legitimate need goes unmet – when it’s treated as being selfish and demanding by the other – our hearts are subject to being drawn away from marriage, tempted to fulfill this longing somewhere else, some other way.

Sex is not to be used as a bargaining chip.  It is not something God allows us to withhold without consequence.  Though there can be abuses to this divinely designed framework, the heart of marriage is one of giving ourselves to each other to meet the other’s needs.

Sex is one God-given opportunity to do that.

You are the one person called and designated by God to meet your spouse’s sexual needs.  If you allow distance to grow between you in this area, if you allow staleness to set in, you are taking something that rightly (and exclusively) belongs to your spouse.  If you let your mate know – by words, actions, or inactions – that sex needn’t be any more than you want it to be, you rob from them a sense of honor and endearment that has been set in place by biblical mandate. You violate the “one flesh” unity of marriage.

So whether you perceive yourself as being on the deprived end, or you would admit that you are the one depriving the other, know that God’s plan for you is to meet in the middle and come to a place of agreement.  But also know that the path to getting there will not be accomplished by sulking, arguing or demanding.  Love is the only way to reestablish loving union between each other.  All the things the Love Dare entails – patience, kindness, selflessness, thoughtfulness, protection, honor, forgiveness – will play a role in renewing your sexual intimacy.  When the love of Christ is the foundation of your marriage, the strength of your friendship and sexual relationship can be enjoyed at a level this world can never know.

Today’s Dare

If at all possible, try to initiate sex with your husband or wife today.  Do this in a way that honors what your spouse has told you (or implied to you) about what they need from you sexually.  Ask God to make this enjoyable for both of you as well as a path to greater intimacy.

The Love Dare - Day Thirty-One

Love and Marriage

 God’s original blueprint for how marriage is supposed to work involves a tearing away and a knitting together.  It re-configures existing relationships while establishing a brand new one.  Marriage changes everything.

That’s why couples who don’t take this “leaving” and “cleaving” message to heart will reap the consequences down the line, when the problems are much harder to repair without hurting someone.

“Leaving” means that you are breaking a natural tie.  Your parents step into the role of counselors to be respected, but can no longer tell you what to do.  Sometimes the difficulty in doing this comes from the original source.  A parent may not be ready to release you yet from their control and expectations. And far too often, this break is not made in the right way.

Unity is a marriage quality to be guarded at a great cost.  The purpose of “leaving,” of course, is not to abandon all contact with the past but rather to preserve the unique oneness that marriage is designed to capture. 

If you’re too tightly drawn to your parents, the singular identity of your marriage will not be able to come to flower.  You will always be held back.  For without “leaving,” you cannot do the “cleaving” you need, the joining of your hearts that’s required to experience oneness.

“Cleaving” carries the idea of catching someone by pursuit, clinging to them as your new rock of refuge and safety. 

As a result of this essential process, you are now free to become everything God meant when He declared you “one flesh.”

·        You are able to achieve oneness in your decision making, even when you begin from differing viewpoints.

·        You are able to achieve oneness in your priorities, even through you’ve come together from backgrounds that could hardly be more different.

·        You are able to achieve oneness in your sexual affections toward each other, even if either of both of you have memories of impurity in your pre-marital past.

God’s decision to make you “one flesh” in marriage can make anything possible.

If this is not how things are going in your home right now, you’re unfortunately in the majority.  It’s not out of character for couples of all kinds – even Christian couples – to ignore God’s design for marriage, thinking they know better than He does.  But this is what you must make any sacrifice to reclaim.

It’s hard – extremely hard – when the pursuit of oneness is basically one-sided.  Your spouse may not be interested at all in recapturing the unity you had at first.  Even if there is some desire on his or her part, there may still be issues between you that are nowhere close to being resolved.

But if you’ll continue to keep a passion for oneness forefront in your mind and heart, your relationship over time will begin to reflect the inescapable “one flesh” design that is printed on its DNA.  You don’t have to go looking for it.  It’s already there. But you don’t have to live it, or there’s nothing else to expect than disunity.

Leave.  And cleave.  And dare to walk as one.

Today’s Dare

Is there a “leaving” issue you haven’t been brave enough to conquer yet?  Confess it to your spouse today, and resolve to make it right.  The oneness of your marriage is dependent upon it.  Follow this with a commitment to your spouse and to God to make your marriage the top priority over every other human relationship.