This is one fear I don't think I'll ever conquer

5:45am

That's what time it is right now and I'm as close to wide awake as I can get with less than an hour and a half of sleep.

I love the weather.

Rain?

Love it!  Walking in it. Sitting on a porch watching it. The scent of it. Everything about it!

Snow?

As long as I don't have to go anywhere, I love the beauty of it.  The shimmer of the sun on the crystals.  The frozen droplets on branches. I've been known to wander around in my PJs and boots in 20 degree weather, with one of my kids chasing after me with my coat because I've gotten so heavily into taking photos of snow.

Thunderstorms?

Definitely! I remember as a child sitting on the front porch watching thunderstorms. We never worried because of the lightning rod on the church steeple across the street.  Well, once a tree behind our house was hit and lost a branch. When I lived at Kirtland AFB a tree behind my house was hit while we sat in the carport, sending bark across five lawns. More recently, lightening hit the ground between the house and barn. It grounded with the wiring 3 inches under the lawn's surface, which connected the weather station with the gauges on the barn and, in the process, took out the back-up tower it was connected to (don't worry, Matthew always backs up his back-up). Matthew had just come inside from closing car windows so that one freaked me out.  I still love sitting in the sun room watching the storms roll up. I wish I could get a photo, but I've never been able to.

Wind?

Oh God No!

I live in a draw. A dip in the ridge where the wind comes off of Lake Erie and blows on my house 6 miles inland.  Constantly.  I wake almost nightly from the sound of the wind rumbling through the trees surrounding my house, in my oasis nestled in farmland.

Tonight is a bit different. We are getting a cold front rolling in from the Midwest and it's being led by high winds.  Okay, that is almost a nightly ritual but this time it's a little different.  We have a high wind warning.  No! Really?  No need to tell me.

I woke around 2:30am to the wind, like most nights. Only tonight is different. The wind keeps rolling in and getting stronger each time. It began with a sleep-ending distant light rumble as it made it's way across the field and through the cluster of trees I live in. Followed by the rattling of the cap for the smoke stack left over from the old pellet stove that once stood in the office. I laid in bed thinking "This too shall pass." No. It didn't.

My mind has gone crazy over the last few hours. With each relentless wave of wind I have laid in my bed listening to my house. The winds have increased as I've been listening for anything abnormal. The cap is still rattling. That's good. This means no rain coming down it and into the house.  No sounds of the rolled roofing over the addition peeling off.  This is good because the boys and I would hate to lose the roof over our bedrooms. The shingles. I know they are blowing off the older part of the house.  They always do and we find them scattered throughout our five acres and into the neighbouring corn field all of the time. What about the siding? That panel on the side of the house has blown off on everyone who ever lived here. It's still unattached so, I worry about the rest of the house.

Oh God! Please don't let my house be ripped apart.

The wind. Is that just the regular wind noise?  We are on the edge of Tornado Alley.  No train sounds.  No screaming of the wind. No fire siren going off in town a mile away. Every tornado has missed us because of the ridge we sit on. Should I be so cocky about this?  What if it jumps the hill and decides to land on the house?  What if it's a mile wide like they get in the Midwest and takes out all of the five houses in that swath?  Most of my neighbours are elderly. Would they be okay?  What would we do? We're on the front of the hill with the barn  on top of the hill 300 feet behind us. We would have to get behind the barn.  And it's bitterly cold out.  If the house gets wiped out, where would we go? North East? How would the kids get to school? That's the wrong school district and a long drive to Clymer.

I can't take this!  It has to stop!

Are the cars okay?  They are broadside to the wind with the van catching the brunt of it.  What if she tips onto the Subaru?  How will we get to church? Church. I was going to ride in early with Matthew but I haven't had any sleep and he stays for over four hours.  I have to stay home and try to sleep.  I don't want him taking the interstate. Subie will just be tossed around by these winds.  He needs to take the back way as long as there is no snow.  If it doesn't start snowing until after he gets home then we don't have to worry about Pennsylvania and their lack of snow removal. He'll have to pick up groceries for me, since I do my shopping on Sundays while I'm in town.

For the love of God, would it just stop!?

The house has been here for 113 years, I know she can take this. But she been beaten by the wind for so long, maybe she is too tired to anymore.  Was that the house shaking?  No. She can't be. She's firmly embedded onto the basement. It must have been Miss Purrty giving herself a bath on my bed.

Oh God!  Another gust.

Is she shaking? Miss Purrty ran off so that must have been the wind shaking the house.  Why is she shaking?  She shouldn't be shaking. According to the weather, our gusts are supposed to be 58+ miles per hour.  Damaging winds.  Well isn't that just ducky.

Jerome hasn't slept well since the custody battle and sleeps in my bed most nights.  I want to go downstairs. I can't take this anymore and I really think I'm going to go crazy.  But what if the roof gets ripped off while I'm downstairs?  Who'll rescue Jerome? Who'll rescue all of the kids? Six kids. What was I thinking that I can rescue all of them? Oh come-on. It isn't like they are babies. All I have to do is holler and they'll run out the door.  To where?  It's so cold out and the barn is so far away. The cars? They aren't safe in this wind.  Am I going around in circles on my panicking?  What about the pets?  Who do I rescue?  There are too many and the cats would panic and scatter.  It's too cold for Pepper. Cockatiels can't take cold.

STOP!!!!!  Why won't it stop?!?

That isn't a gust. That's prolonged wind. Okay. It's rumbling, but not train rumbling. No screaming of the wind. Just rumbling.  It's just wind - not a tornado. Oh God! It's wrapping around the house and blowing on my back window now!  Why won't it calm down so I can breathe between gusts? Why is the siren not going off?

Please God. It has to stop.  The sound is maddening.  MAKE IT STOP!!!!

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It's quieter down here. The sounds of the furnace coming from the intake vent are so comforting.  India is asleep on the couch.  She only slept in her room one night since coming home for Christmas break.  I hate that she has to go back to college on Tuesday.  Oh no! I have to drive her to the bus station in Erie in the snow!  In Pennsylvania!  No plowing there.

Romeo is sitting on the back of the chair, staring out the sun-room window, watching the wind by the glow of the street light.  Street lights through farm land to the state line - how odd.

Okay. That was loud.  I think a bird feeder just fell on the deck. I wonder if Outside Kitty is someplace safe.  I hate that he/she won't let us bring her inside where it's warm. Matthew is stirring. He's planned on leaving in another 70 minutes.

Matthew said the wind blowing on his room in the front of the house woke him before his alarm went off. He said he thought we were in a tornado too. He said he knows what my room sounds like in the wind and doesn't want to go in there. Coward.  That 4 foot pop-out making the addition wider than the rest of the house makes the wind sound terrible in my room. Like it's trying to rip the addition off after 39 years.

The wind is relentless.  It seems like it's getting stronger.  I'm so tired and want to go back to my bed.  I like my bed. It's so warm there. Matthew just made coffee.  Coffee or bed.  I know I'm not going in to church.

Seriously??  The house is groaning and creaking from that minute-long blast of strong wind... and here it comes again.

I'm still in the living room. Matthew is in the shower and the coffee is done.  I could grab the first cup. My favourite part of the pot. That would mean getting up and walking into the kitchen. I'm so tired.  The sky is turning grey out there with the sun trying to come up.  Basil, the ferret, knows I'm awake and it trying to get his cage open - he wants me to let him out so he can wander.  That would mean getting off the couch and walking across the room. I would love to call Johannes. He's usually awake about now, even though he is three hours behind. That would mean 4:17am his time. But that still is a walk to the kitchen to get the phone. I need to make a shopping list for India. I know I won't be awake if she calls me after service. She was planned on going to China Jade during Sunday School. I would love sweet and sour pork or a poo-poo platter. We haven't had Chinese food in forever. The coffee smells so good.

The wind is still powerful but I can see outside now and it somehow feels safer.  The trees are blowing about wildly outside the window.

7:27am  I managed to drag myself off the couch.  There was a loud bang on the deck.  A heavy wooden bench fell over.  The earlier sound wasn't a bird feeder, it was shingles landing on the deck.  I walked around  the house and checked things out.  We have branches down but the cars are still upright. I think the angle I left the tires at gave the van more stability.  She's rocking but protecting the Subaru by her mass.  I got some coffee, but it isn't helping.

Johannes' light came on Google chat. I'm going to call him.

Update: We have a plastic doghouse that was only used by Timothy (my beloved, late Maltese mix). Matthew just found the roof of it behind the house and the bottom up the hill near the propane tank.